27 January 2015 ~ 0 Comments

I Choose To Be a Joy Cell Not a Cancer Cell

cellHello Daily Joy Log and Friends. I’m Back!!

I must admit, I’m petrified right now of this white page staring at me waiting for words to show up. After a very long hiatus of not writing, I feel like it’s needed in my life right now more than ever but writing is also harder than ever. I don’t know where to start. This blog is mainly for me, but I do hope that it inspires or gives comfort to others while I shuffle my way through this crazy process that I am going through.

I just read my last Joy Log posting which was written in August of 2013 and it is so appropriate for where I am in my life right now. How strange.  I would have written those exact same words today. Yes, almost two years later. This time it’s a health issue not a lawsuit.

I was diagnosed in July 2014 with breast cancer. My heart stopped as the nurse gave me the book report over the phone and then she said “Sorry”. I couldn’t breathe. Are you kidding me? There’s got to be some mistake right? No mistake. Over the next six months I found out just how real it was and I’ve had this incredible journey that I will be sharing with you.

No, there certainly is no joy in having the big “C” as I call it, but there is joy all around it if you look closely and are aware enough to see it.

I choose to see it. I choose to continue to be that Joy Cell in the Body of Life…not a cancer cell. The cancer was one little part of me which actually has been removed so let’s not attach the big “C” with me any longer. The rest of me is unique, fun, vibrant, funny, loving, talented and positive. I have my moments of despair, grief, anxiety, anger and fear but l will not allow this health issue to rob me of the best parts of myself. Are you with me?

After I received the news I collapsed in my husbands arms and sobbed crocodile tears. Nope no joy in that. Or was there? I had a loving husband with arms to fall into. He was there for me 100%. Shedding tears with me. He loves me deeply. The second bit of joy came when we realized that I had wiped my snotty nose all over his shirt and it was soaked with salty tears. We looked at each other, I wiped his shirt as if to say I’m sorry and we smiled. Even laughed a bit. A glimmer of Joy in the pain.

There was no joy in the realization that I may die soon and that Ken and I would have to say goodbye. But….there was a glimmer of joy that night when Ken and I lay in bed and talked about the memories that we had shared over 30 years. The deep love that we have for each other, the fun, the music career that we shared. Oh yes it was dramatic and heart wrenching but at that moment we no longer took each other for granted.

There was no joy in the thought of leaving my family and friends. But there was a glimmer of joy when I called my dear friend on the phone that day and I said tearfully that I had gotten the results back from my biopsy. She immediately said….I’m coming right over. We sat in the church court yard down the street and we cried together. I looked in her eyes, I felt our hearts open in a way that I hadn’t experienced before with a friend. It was honest, raw, heartfelt and wide open. What a gift.

There is so much more to talk about and I will but for now this is enough. This is such a huge step for me, writing again. I had an article written about me in the January issue of WNC Womans magazine and in that article I said I was going to be writing in my Joy Log again. I was hoping to have a post written on Jan 1st for New Years Day but couldn’t get myself to write until now. I resisted and resisted. It was just too hard. It is now Jan 28th and I’m glad to be back Joy Log. I know you will help me stay on track and be that reminder I need to continue being joyful, even when times get tough. It’s not easy but it’s a choice and I choose joy.


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